MANIPULATION AT IT’S FINEST
June 19, 2016 § Leave a comment
Manipulation – “executing control in a skillful manner”. Usually, manipulation involves 2 parties. One who is the manipulator, and the other who is being manipulated. Marriage is full it, one way or the other.
I have been married to my husband since August 22, 2009. We have 2 children – Luke who is 5 years of age and Elly who just turned 2. Our marriage is not picture perfect, and I now believe no one is anyway. Personally, I noticed the change in our marriage December of 2016. David changed. He became self-centered, he was buying new suits, new clothes, watching concerts, attending his “work parties”, spending more time at work. Of course his shouting and cursing was still apparent at that moment. I think the kids and I have come close to accepting that that is his “normal self”. Until he hit my son just because my son could not hold his pee and accidentally peed on him while David was taking his time sitting on the toilet with his Iphone handheld. Luke was left with a bruise on his face. My son is 5. Of course this was not the only instance – but that was the most recent. On March 2, 2016, my soon to be ex-husband sent me a letter, a settlement agreement separation letter. After putting up with his disrespect on me, and abuse on my child, he had the nerve to send me a legal document. I was furious. Mad. Angry. I felt it was time.
I was so close from getting a protective order against him, but I have no support at that time since I have been hiding inside our marriage hoping it would be ok, hoping that he would change- But he did not. Instead, our marriage was turning into something worse. He blamed me for his actions, he stated, “You made me act this way, You provoked me”. I could not understand how someone could make you act in an evil way, I kept explaining to him that though I have some short comings, HE controls his own self. Jeez, if he made me act in a different way, I would have been the meanest person that someone would know! But I can control my anger, I know when and where it is necessary to be angry and most especially, I know not to curse infront of my kids nor hit them.
When I received the letter, it clearly states that our marriage will be over and that HE WILL NOT PAY FOR ANY CHILD SUPPORT, ALIMONY and that I HAVE TO VACATE OUR CURRENT HOME. I was lost in translation –which was actually a good thing because. 1. I reached out to friends/work, 2. I reached out to family even the in laws, 3. I reached out to God. I let it all come out. I did not hold back anymore, why would I? The people in my life was filtrated. I know now whom I can count on during hard times.
As per the settlement, my dear soon to be ex-husband wanted me to vacate our current home. The lawyer that I confided stated that I have the right to live here for 3 years and that he has to pay for our living. He also mentioned that since I was going to school for my BSN-NP, he has to pay me alimony. Most importantly, that lawyer wanted me to file for a protective order and put his sorry ass in jail after I showed him the pictures of my son’s bruise. But with any lawyer comes with a fee. I did not hire the lawyer, not because he is incompetent, but because I could not pay $400/Hour.
Then April comes in. Since he does not want any ties with me, we decided to change my car and put it under my name. I had to give up my Acura and changed it to my new Honda Civic 2016. I was actually happy about that. We did it in hopes of separating soon. At that month, I was sure that I would not move out, there was still some hope in me. I guess my patience was really long. I thought of a lot of things one being was for me and my kids to go to the Philippines. I figured, since he cannot stand us in his house, perhaps he can just send us to my homeland, I will take care of the kids, I will send them to a great international school and at the same time, we can be separated and divorce if that’s what he still wanted. I was willing to give up my career, my school, and everything here in the USA for the sake of our wellbeing and especially, for the sake of the kids. HE SAID NO.
In the beginning of May, his shouting, cursing and disrespect continues. At one point when he said that he despises me, I finally gave up. I told him I will only move out if my kids will reside with me, meaning, Luke will have to change school, Elly will have to stop her day care at Damascus. I am not moving out WITHOUT my kids. I started looking for houses, apartments, rentals. I calculated my budget, I confer with the elders/friends. I finally found a place. My soon to be ex-husband agreed that my kids will reside with me and that we will split the week. This breaks my heart because these kids are human beings, NOT PROPERTY. But the law is the law. I will have them Half Saturday, Whole Sun, Mon, Tues and Wednesday. He will have them Thurs, Fri, and half Saturday.
Since I have been busy with all the planning and moving, I was glad that he took the initiative to take my son to 1. Concert with Selena, 2. Picnic from his work, 3. Pool. However, my son kept telling me stories about a lady that “Papa always bring her with us”. I thought my soon to be ex-husband was doing all that for his kids, I guess he has other motives. All fine with me as long as he will not hurt my kids anymore on which he promised not to do so anymore.
June comes in. Now I am officially moving – signed the lease on which he actually helped me because like I told him, “This is what you want, so you have to help us move”. He was agreeable. Just like a bipolar person, one morning he was mad then the next he was the nicest thing created since sliced bread. Slowly, I have been moving out my stuff with my family’s help and his help as well. We are just waiting for the school to be over then our move will be complete.
Furnishing an apartment is tiring and fun. I did not experience this in my marriage since everything was furnished and because my ex-husband who makes close to $100k would not buy new furniture and would not add wall hangings to his beloved condo. He does not want me to do anything in his place. Fine by me.
Now we are close to the move he then stated, that all this was my plan and that I initiated the move. Up to this point, this man whom I thought was a child of God, whom I met at church is still trying to manipulate me. I told him “NO, YOU STARTED ALL THESE. YOU HAVE BEEN PUSHING ME OUT! CALLING ME NAMES, FORCING ME TO MOVE OUT. YOU SENT ME A LEGAL LETTER”. The nerve of him to blame me for all these things. It is me who is being inconvenience by all these changes. I had to change my car, stop my Nurse Practitioner’s program, change my work schedule, MOVE OUT, and overall CHANGE my lifestyle for me and my kids to live.
Overall, I am just glad that this is about to be over- Because I am tired already- I would like to reserve the remaining of my energy recuperating, and spending it with my kids and my family. Finally, no one who will disrespect you on a daily/nightly basis and I kid you not, the moment he lay his hands on my children again, I WILL FILE A PROTECTIVE ORDER.